Avoid the Pair Bond: Social Relationships with Parrots

At the heart of many behavior problems is a social relationship that has taken a wrong turn. Why? Because, despite our best intentions we often misunderstand what parrots really need from us socially. And then, we do the wrong things.

We take all that we know about living with other companion animals and attempt to apply this to life with parrots. Unfortunately, that doesn’t work. Parrots are too different. They are prey animals, not predators. Most are not yet domesticated, while our dogs, cats and bunnies are. A parrot’s social needs are more closely aligned with the wild life than with captive life.

Lessons from the Wild

So, what do parrots really need from us socially? Observations of their wild lives provide valuable clues. They have many different relationships on various levels. They enjoy parallel activities which serve to cement the integrity of the flock. They all forage at the same time, preen at the same time, nap at the same time.

They are also full of trickery. They engage frequently in brief, playful interactions. They steal perches and food from each other. They engage with each other in mid-air. Some species even play physically with each other.

Each parrot also has a relationship with the flock as a whole.  The flock serves as the vehicle for finding food, accessing that food, evading predators and providing a sense of safety. A single parrot away from his flock would likely meet with a swift demise. They understand this instinctively.

Pair Bonds In the Wild

It is important to note that the only time that adult parrots in the wild spend extended periods of time physically close together is when they have formed a pair bond. They are engaged in cementing that pair bond through remaining close by each other, searching for a suitable nest site, excavating that nest and then laying eggs and rearing young.

Pair Bonds in Captivity

I assert that it physical closeness with a companion parrot that serves as a physiological trigger that causes our parrot to form a pair bond with us. This conviction is based upon two decades of anecdotal experience. Petting the parrot down the back and under the wings, having the parrot on the shoulder for extended periods, cuddling at night before bed, allowing the parrot under the covers…all of these activities give the parrot the wrong message – that we are inviting a sexual relationship. But, we certainly don’t want that, right?

What DO We Want?

I know what I want. And, I know what we should all want for a companion parrot. We should want that parrot to be fully independent, well able to entertain himself most of the time…foraging for food and interacting with enrichment. We should not want a parrot who sits on our shoulder or lap all day. That’s not much quality of life for a captive parrot, given the myriad of activities in which they would engage in the wild on a daily basis.

What DO They Want (Need)?

Lessons from the wild indicate that they need a sense of safety and security that the flock provides. What does this mean for us? I hate to break it to all of you who depend upon them, but bird rooms are a really bad idea. They may be convenient for us, but are a source of stress for parrots, making it impossible for them to satisfy their social needs.

Parrot have big personalities and a well-defined sense of territory. It is stressful for larger parrots to live in close proximity to others, especially others of different species. Parrots seem most comfortable with a minimum of about five feet between cages, which is hard to accomplish in the typical bird room.

Parrots of different species, while they may enjoy having other feathered ones around, will not usually form a cohesive flock bond with them. Instead, most parrots consider the humans in the home to be their primary flock. It is with us that they want to enjoy those parallel activities. Thus, the best thing you can do to facilitate a healthy social life for your parrot is to locate his cage in the living area of the home. (A play stand is not good enough.  Sorry….)

Parallel Activities

The importance of parallel activities to a parrot should not be underestimated. While we may imagine that our birds need hours of one on one time with us, that isn’t the case at all! They don’t need much focused time with us. This may be good news to all of you thinking that you may need to give  your parrot up due to your lack of time.

They will satisfy themselves socially by eating when we eat, preening while we ready ourselves for the day, and snoozing while we nap. We don’t have to do anything other than have our parrots in our proximity to satisfy this particular need of theirs. How easy is that?

Brief, Playful Social Interactions

How about the need for brief, playful social interactions? That one is easy to satisfy too. When our parrots are located in our living areas, it comes naturally to interact with them throughout the day in this manner.

Parrots and people have a way of developing little social duets over time. For example, my African Grey, Marko, loves to hang upside down from my hand.  She started that.  Now, I can step her up and give her the cue to flip upside down. Once upright again, she is happy to take a treat and go back to her perch.

Dancing with your parrot is another example. How about playing toss the paper ball for a few minutes? What else can you think of? What does your parrot like to do? Can you turn that into a 60-second game?

Following the Flock

Parrots also need to follow the flock. That means that, when we change rooms, they want to change rooms to accompany us. A flighted parrot will do this on his own. If you live with a clipped parrot, you will need to provide the transport. Think about having a perch in every room. This way, if you are going into another room for an extended period of time, you can bring your parrot with you to perch while you go about your activities.

Other Social Needs

Aside from these very specific social needs, parrots must have a minimum of three to four hours out of the cage each day for a decent quality of life. More is better. This block of time should be divided into two periods, one in the morning and a second later in the day. It is simply too hard on a parrot to only come out of the cage once a day. Such a schedule often contributes to behavior problems. This time out of the cage allows them to make choices, change locations, and engage in those important social activities outlined above.

My Flock

For the past 15 years, I have worked full-time as a veterinary technician while pursuing my behavior consulting career on the weekends. People always ask me how I can possibly care well for eight parrots while doing all that. I have been easily able to meet the social needs of my own parrots because I follow the advice given in this blog. My parrots are happy, undemanding, and keep themselves busy without needing big chunks of my time.

Does a Pair Bond Already Exist?

What if you have already allowed your parrot to form a pair bond with you? How will you even know if a pair bond exists? I can tell you some sure signs:

  • Your parrot hates everyone but you.
  • Your parrot tries to bite your partner when he or she comes close. (Or the parrot bites you under the same circumstances…another fun variation on that theme.)
  • Your parrot tries to masturbate on you when you are holding him.
  • You can’t get the parrot off of your shoulder (and you’re not in the veterinarian’s office).
  • Your parrot frequently wants to preen your hair, eyebrows, or beard.

I can tell you that you don’t want a pair bond with your parrot. Such a bond leads to increased aggression, screaming and feather destructive behavior. For females, it can also lead to chronic egg laying, which puts the parrot at risk for egg binding. Not only is that a life-threatening condition, it generally incurs astronomical vet bills.

Evolving the Pair Bond

A pair bond can be evolved into a more appropriate relationship with consistent effort over time. First, figure out how much time your parrot currently perches on your shoulder, lap or chest. Begin to reduce that systematically by small increments each week. At the same time, immediately stop petting him anywhere but on the head. Keep him out of your bed. Stop the cuddling. (I know…this is hard. Perhaps a cat or a Yorkshire Terrier might be a good addition at this time.)

Replace that physical closeness by beginning some parrot training. Parrots in the wild are constantly problem solving. Their physical environment requires this. In captivity, most parrots are bored.  By doing some training on a daily basis, you accomplish some very important things.

Parrot Training

Learning new behaviors enriches the parrot’s experience to an extent  you can’t imagine. Learning new behaviors in an important form of enrichment. Learning new behaviors tires a parrot out mentally so he has less need to threaten your eardrums with vocalizations.

But, most importantly, training your parrot will serve over time to evolve that pair bond. By placing yourself in the role of teacher/trainer, you encourage the parrot to look to you for guidance and direction, rather than physical love.

Training doesn’t have to take a lot of time. Five minutes once or twice a day is enough. It doesn’t even matter if you skip days. Your parrot will quite easily pick up where you left off in the training.

What to Train?

It’s best to begin your training by teaching a simple behavior like targeting. Not familiar with targeting? Here is an excellent video, created by behavior consultant Stephanie Edlund, to get you started: http://understandingparrots.com/guide-to-target-training-your-parrot.


Parrots need the following for social satisfaction:

  • Cage located in the living area.
  • The ability to engage in parallel activities.
  • Brief, playful social interactions with you.
  • Three to four hours out of the cage each day.
  • Parrot training with you as the teacher.

Happy training! Happy Socializing! Sent with much love to you all!


Published by

Pamela Clark, CPBC

I am an IAABC Certified parrot behavior consultant who successfully helps parrot owners to resolve behavior problems and train their parrots. I also help determine the best diet, social and physical environments to help that individual parrot flourish.

27 thoughts on “Avoid the Pair Bond: Social Relationships with Parrots”

  1. I can attest that this is excellent advice. I’ve heard Pam sum it up as “no kissy-face” and I love her humor–suggesting that one get a cat or Yorkie if you need to pet something. Pair bonding, she has told me, can also lead to insistent nest-seeking behavior, which can become a problem itself.

  2. Such great advice. I have worked with Pamela for a few years now and she has never failed to give me excellent guidance that enhances my birds quality of life. I trust her implicitly.

  3. Without Pam’s expert advice my husband and I would have raised a Monster Moluccan giving him what we thought he needs and wants.

    Fortunately for us we met Pam ten years ago. Georgie Pink, Superstar, is a delight! At times a loud delight, but he is a Moluccan. He is only limited by the limits to my own imagination in finding new tricks.

  4. Thank you Pam for sharing your wisdom with us. I know this is great advise for all bird owners. I look forward to more of your expertise to come.

  5. Oh no! My bird hates everyone but me, tries to murder my husband when he’s anywhere near her (or me), and is constantly trying to masterbate on me. Sometimes I can’t even look at her without her quivering and panting. That’s no exaggeration! I think I’m going to need a consult. And some willpower to stop petting her under her wings (a concept I only recently learned was promoting all the other behaviors). She picks up my fingers with her beak, lifts her wing, and guides my hand there. It’s the only place she’s interested in being touched (except when she’s trying to rub her cloaca on me) because she’s been pet like that for 39 years. I have victimized my poor bird.

    1. Hi there Hear To Learn,

      I’m sorry I took so long to respond. I only get to see my granddaughter every other Friday and that was all day today.

      Your message made me smile. You’re in good company, so don’t feel badly. And, even after 39 years we can turn things around. and it will benefit her hugely, in terms of increasing her quality of life. She can learn to enjoy other activities. At least she goes onto other perches. That’s a huge plus. Some birds I’ve worked with have never been anywhere but on the shoulder.

      And don’t worry. I will coach you to be effective. I provide goals week by week that are understandable and easy to implement.

      The first step is for you to complete a behavior questionnaire for me. Will you please email me at pamelaclarkcvt@gmail.com and provide your name. I can send you the form then as an email attachment.

      I look forward to having fun with you as we consult.


  6. What about if you have two parrots that have bonded to each other? Do they require or even need the same level of human interaction as a single parrot?

    I recently acquired breeding pair of Quaker Parrots from a breeder that is going out of business. I am not new to Quakers… just breeding birds.

    I want to give them the best life possible but everything I know seems to have gone out the window with a breeding pair.


    1. Vashon,

      The answer to your question depends upon your goals. Do you want to breed them? Do you just want to have them as companions? If you want to have them as companions, what level if interaction do you want to have with each of them? Do you just want to enjoy them from afar or would you like to be able to handle them? Anything is possible if you want to put in the work.


  7. For the answer to the biting when somebody else comes in the Room I won’t get off your shoulder .
    So what you need to do is that you need to get a toy some type of training stick to help

  8. I used to have my birds’ cages out in the living room but I moved them into their own bedroom so they could go to bed earlier at night after spending most of the day on perches in the living room. I stay up in the living room until around 11, and I was under the impression that keeping them up late was not great for their health and could trigger mating behavior. How do you work around this if you keep your birds’ cages in the living room?

    I have gone back and forth over the years with my Amazon, who is bonded to me. At times she has become more independent but recently she is very possessive over me and is displaying nesting behaviors and aggression. I thought this was because I got married, but reading this makes me think my own behavior is more to blame. I have wondered whether what I owe her is adopting a second Amazon, so she has someone else of her own species to interact with. But that would of course open up other potential issues. More training, as you suggest here, will be a useful starting point.

    1. Hello!

      The information on the internet regarding the need for sleep in parrots is incorrect; it is not based upon scientific observations. The information that got published was merely anecdotal in nature in the beginning before everyone started repeating it on social media. If you are interested in learning more, I do have a blog post on “Sleep Needs in Companion Parrots.”

      I do NOT recommend getting a second Amazon. If yours is bonded to you, she will have no interest in another parrot. You will wind up with more problems. Please consider having a consultation if your problems get worse. It was a good start reading this. I also have a blog post about cavity seeking and a third called “Reproductive Hormones and Companion Parrots. Reading those will be helpful as well:) It is possible, even if your Amazon has a pair bond with you, to have a peaceful household.


    2. When I had my African grey it was more connected with my wife and her relationship than when I would try to work out our issues

  9. Kevin, I have a female parakeet and a male 25 yo Black Capped Conjure he is everything you say not to do my question is when Your parrot tries to masturbate on you when you are holding him. what do you mean by that, he does this rocking back and forth screaming like a baby chick is that what you are talking about. the minute I walk in the room he is on me quick I have a hard time getting him off my shoulder, I have to tell him I will be back and he gets off and tries to get right back on I have to leave the room then he screams like I beat him or something when he spots me outside he screeches bloody murder since the pandemic his squeaking has turned into something like bird lar·yn·gi·tis

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